Understanding the 9 Stages of a Dying Marriage: Insights From a Couples Therapist
Understanding the stages of a dying marriage may be the first step toward clarity, healing, or a peaceful separation.
When a marriage starts to decline, it rarely does so overnight. More often, the breakdown unfolds gradually, almost imperceptibly at first—until one or both partners begin to wonder, Is this still a marriage… or just a shared schedule?
Recognizing the stages of a dying marriage doesn’t mean a relationship is doomed. Understanding the stages means understanding the emotional and behavioral patterns that indicate deeper disconnection, and identifying whether repair is possible—or whether it’s time to consider letting go with compassion and clarity.
Below are nine clinically informed stages often observed in marriages that are beginning to deteriorate. While not every couple will move through all of them, these stages reflect common patterns in relational breakdown.
Stage 1: Subtle Disengagement
At first, the shift is quiet.
Couples stop checking in about each other’s day. Conversations become transactional. There’s little eye contact over dinner. What used to feel like easeful connection begins to feel like coexisting.
Partners in this stage often don’t realize anything is wrong. They’re “just busy,” or “in a phase.” But emotionally, the first layer of separation has begun.
You might justify where you’re at with thoughts like:
“We’re not fighting—we just don’t talk much anymore.”
Stage 2: The Scorekeeping Phase
When small disappointments go unspoken, they don’t disappear—they begin to stack up.
In this stage, partners begin keeping track of perceived slights, unmet needs, or emotional labor left unreciprocated. Gratitude fades. Comparison and resentment grow quietly in the background.
One partner may say:
“I always handle the hard stuff, and they don’t even notice.”
Left unaddressed, this stage leads to chronic emotional tension and the erosion of goodwill. It becomes harder to give each other the benefit of the doubt.
Stage 3: Emotional Rewriting
At this stage, the past begins to look different.
Positive memories may lose their warmth. One or both partners begin rewriting the narrative of the relationship:
Thoughts begin to swirl, like:
“Maybe we were never really in love.”
“I think I married the wrong person.”
This cognitive distancing is often a protective response to emotional pain. Rather than address current issues, partners unconsciously shift into self-preservation—reframing the relationship as flawed from the beginning.
Stage 4: Avoidance Of Conflict
Conflict isn’t necessarily a sign of a dying marriage. In fact, the absence of it can be more concerning.
At this point, disagreements are no longer voiced. One or both partners may feel it isn’t “worth it” to speak up, either out of hopelessness or fear of escalation.
Self-preservation sounds like:
“If I bring it up, they’ll just shut down—or we’ll end up yelling again.”
This pattern often includes stonewalling, dismissiveness, or simply retreating into silence. The emotional gap widens.
Stage 5: Seeking Comfort Elsewhere
When the marriage no longer feels emotionally safe or validating, partners often turn outward for relief.
This doesn’t always mean infidelity. In many cases, it begins as increased time spent on phones, work, social media, food, or pornography. For others, emotional affairs, gambling, or compulsive spending may emerge.
The common thread is escape:
“At least this makes me feel something.”
Unfortunately, these behaviors rarely provide lasting comfort—and often introduce new ruptures in trust or new habits and coping mechanisms that will need to be dealt with.
Stage 6: Trust Breakdown
This is the stage where secrets become patterns.
Partners may begin withholding information or making decisions unilaterally. There’s often a sense of suspicion, even if nothing specific has been discovered. When breaches of trust are revealed—emotional or physical affairs, secret spending, compulsive behaviors—the damage deepens.
Rebuilding trust is possible, but it requires transparency, accountability, and mutual commitment to the process. Without it, this stage can become a point of no return.
Stage 7: The Roommate Dynamic
The marriage becomes functional—but not relational.
Partners live in parallel, sharing space, bills, and perhaps parenting responsibilities, but without emotional or physical intimacy. Conversations are logistical. Sex may be absent, rare, or feel obligatory.
You may notice thoughts like:
“We’re like ships passing in the night.”
“We haven’t touched each other in months.”
For many couples, this stage is marked by ambivalence. The relationship feels emotionally hollow, but the thought of ending it is overwhelming or unclear.
Stage 8: Reactivity & Volatility
When underlying tension builds too long, it often erupts.
This stage is marked by increased arguing, passive-aggressive behavior, or emotionally reactive exchanges. Some couples cycle between silence and shouting. Others experience volatile ruptures over small triggers.
What’s often misunderstood is that these conflicts are less about content—and more about desperation for connection.
You may be relating:
“I don’t even know why we’re fighting anymore. I just feel angry all the time.”
Without a roadmap for repair, conflict only reinforces the divide.
Stage 9: Resignation & Emotional Detachment
This is the final and most painful stage: when one or both partners emotionally check out.
There’s little effort to connect or resolve issues. Even in therapy, one partner may appear disengaged or indifferent. The marriage may still exist in form—but not in function.
This the time when, you may be saying:
“I’m not even sad anymore. I just feel done.”
This stage doesn’t always mean the end. But unless there’s meaningful re-engagement, detachment often precedes separation.
Can A Dying Marriage Be Saved?
The answer depends less on the stage, and more on the willingness of both partners to reflect, communicate, and rebuild.
Many couples have returned from Stage 8. Others arrive in therapy at Stage 5 or 6 and begin a new chapter together. And sometimes, the most compassionate path forward is ending the marriage in a way that preserves dignity—for both partners and any children involved.
Understanding the stages of a dying marriage can offer clarity. With that clarity, comes choice.
When You’re Ready To Talk, I’m Here
As a marriage counselor specializing in emergency situations for couples in crisis, I provide couples therapy for every stage of partnership—whether you’re seeking to repair trust, reconnect emotionally, or separate with mutual respect.
I use evidence-based methods like The Gottman Method, Imago Therapy, and Internal Family Systems (IFS) to support couples through difficult transitions with structure, insight, and care.
