What To Do If Your Codependency in Recovery Has Hit An All Time High
If your codependency in recovery feels like it's at an all-time high, you’re not imagining it. You may be wondering: why do I feel worse now than I did at the start of their healing?
The thing is, you're not the one in formal treatment. You didn’t have the affair, or the addiction, or the compulsive behavior. And yet, somehow, it feels like you’re the one unraveling now.
This article is for you: the partner who has been the emotional glue, the helper, the fixer—and who may be realizing that your identity, too, got swallowed by someone else’s recovery.
If that sounds familiar, please know you’re not alone. What happens when the crisis is quiet enough for you to hear your own pain—and that pain matters—is that you start to experience your own healing journey.
“Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do for your relationship is to work on yourself. When one person commits to healing, that alone can create a positive shift.” — Zev Berkowitz, LCSW
Note: If you are the person in recovery—grappling with addiction, compulsions, or betrayal behaviors—and codependency is part of your pattern, I can help. Learn more about my Behavioral Compulsion services today.
What Is Codependency In Recovery?
In recovery, codependency often shows up as compulsive caretaking. It’s the tendency to lose yourself in another person’s problems, moods, and healing process. You might:
Prioritize others’ needs while neglecting your own
Feel guilty for setting boundaries
Need constant validation or control to feel safe
While the term "codependent" originated in addiction treatment—originally describing the partners of individuals with substance use disorders—it has since evolved to encompass broader emotional and relational dynamics.
Codependency involves "a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person’s needs are subordinated to another’s to the detriment of the self." These patterns are often rooted in chronic low self-esteem, poor boundaries, and a fear of abandonment, and they can manifest in any close relationship—not just those involving addiction.
Why Codependency Can Spike During Recovery
Ironically, once the chaos of addiction or compulsive behavior begins to fade, the emotional scaffolding that held everything together (often codependency) gets exposed. Recovery brings stillness—and stillness invites discomfort.
You may find yourself clinging tighter: checking your partner’s phone, losing sleep over their mood, or trying to fix every uncomfortable moment. It’s as if your nervous system is bracing for impact.
“Trust is fragile when it’s been broken. But I’ve worked closely with the 12-step community and understand that healing happens slowly—one small repair at a time.” — Zev Berkowitz, LCSW
Are You A Codependent Caretaker Or An Interdependent Partner?
There’s a big difference between supporting your partner and managing their recovery. But when you’ve spent years in survival mode, those lines get blurry fast.
A codependent caretaker feels responsible for their partner’s choices or emotions. They often absorb the fallout, over-function, and step in before their partner can face consequences. It usually comes from love, fear, and a deep need for safety. But this pattern can unintentionally stunt both people’s growth. When one person is always rescuing, the other never learns to self-regulate, and resentment quietly builds on both sides.
An interdependent partner, on the other hand, is still deeply supportive—but they stay rooted in their own emotional clarity. They can empathize without absorbing. They can be present without trying to control. In interdependence, both people retain their sense of self while offering trust, respect, and accountability to the relationship.
This shift can feel radical, even disloyal, to someone who’s always equated love with sacrifice. But love doesn’t mean losing yourself. Sometimes, the kindest act is not to rescue—but to witness. Not to shield—but to stand beside. Interdependence says: I love you, and I trust you to take responsibility for your own healing.
When someone is struggling, stepping back may feel cruel. But in truth, it can be the turning point that allows both of you to finally breathe.
The Role Of Enabling In High Codependency
Enabling and codependency go hand in hand. You might think you're "helping" by softening the fallout of someone's relapse, lying to cover for them, or constantly checking in on their triggers. But this actually slows the healing process—for both of you.
I like to explain this pattern through metaphor:
“Imagine a table with four legs—trust, intimacy, communication, and selfhood. If two or more of those legs are shaky, the whole structure becomes unstable. That’s often what couples are facing in recovery.” — Zev Berkowitz, LCSW
Why Codependency Feels So Bad
Living in a codependent state is exhausting because it disconnects you from your internal cues—your wants, your boundaries, your sense of self. When your emotional stability is constantly tied to someone else’s behavior, you’re no longer living from your center. Instead, you’re reacting to their moods, their recovery progress, their disappointments. Over time, this leaves you feeling emotionally frayed and spiritually hollow.
Anxiety becomes a baseline. You might obsessively anticipate their next move, hoping to prevent pain or protect the relationship. But in doing so, you abandon your own needs. Resentment grows quietly in the background: Why do I feel like I’m doing all the emotional work? Why can’t I just let go? These questions often emerge in moments of quiet, when you’re finally left alone with your own exhaustion.
The hardest part is that codependency often masquerades as care. You might think you’re being loyal, supportive, even loving—but underneath, you’re terrified of losing connection. So you bend, shape-shift, over-function. And while you’re busy managing the other person’s experience, you forget what it means to simply be with your own.
Healing begins by acknowledging this: your well-being matters. And reclaiming it is not selfish—it’s a courageous act of self-respect.
How To Start Healing—One Small Step At A Time
Recovery from codependency doesn’t happen overnight, but it does begin with awareness. The four stages of codependency recovery often look like: awareness, boundaries, detachment, and interdependence. These aren’t boxes you check off in order—they’re ongoing practices that evolve with time and intention.
Start by getting curious about your emotional triggers. Journaling can help you notice the patterns you’re caught in: When do you feel the need to fix? When do you silence your needs? Even just asking these questions is a powerful first step.
Practice mindful detachment. This means creating space between your partner’s behavior and your own nervous system not emotionally withdrawing or becoming cold. You’re allowed to pause, to breathe, and to choose a different response than the one you’ve always defaulted to.
Explore Internal Family Systems (IFS) or parts work. Many people find that their codependent patterns are rooted in protective parts—inner roles that developed to keep them safe. IFS helps you connect with these parts in a compassionate way, rather than shaming or fighting them off.
Get support. Whether that’s through individual therapy, Codependents Anonymous (CoDA), or a trusted group, healing is too big to do alone. You need space to be witnessed, validated, and challenged with love. And you deserve that space, too.
How I Can Help You
I have years of experience helping couples and individuals untangle codependency, betrayal, and behavioral compulsions. My work is rooted in:
Gottman Method & Imago Therapy: Tools for rebuilding trust and empathy
Internal Family Systems (IFS): Helping clients connect with their inner world and unmet needs
Transparent, nonjudgmental support: Especially for partners recovering from betrayal or addictive patterns.
Whether you’re in a relationship or navigating this on your own, I will provide a structured, compassionate space to help you heal.
It’s Okay If You’re Here Again. That Just Means You’re Ready.
If your codependency in recovery feels worse than ever, that doesn’t mean you’re failing, it simply means something deeper is asking to be seen. This is your opportunity to stop managing everyone else’s healing and begin tending to your own.
Let this moment be a new beginning. Let’s schedule a consultation to discuss how I can help.
